Mental health and routine

Things have been good lately. I’ve been busy, and I’ve been here for a while so I’m slowly getting to that point where life at site is *semi* comfortable. I’m not constantly on edge like I was in my first month here, and Fanaye is really starting to feel like home. However, I’d be lying if I said I’ve been perfectly happy and content. Along with that feeling of comfort, also comes the loss of that “honeymoon – everything’s new and exciting” period. It’s starting to settle in that I’m here for the next year and a half… which most of the time is a relief (because how else would I make any sort of difference), but sometimes feels like a pit in my stomach. I think at the core of the tiny desire I have to leave is loneliness. No matter how many new friends I make, or how great my Pulaar gets, Fanaye will always feel lonely. I love my “Gogo Kane” (my Senegalese name) personality here. But it’s not the same as me back home. There are certain aspects of my life that I can’t share with people here - lack of religion for example (everyone thinks I’m Christian), or how much I’ve traveled. And other things that don’t transfer over linguistically or culturally – my optimism, empathy, and desire for adventure. So sometimes it feels like I’m just playing a part, and that can get exhausting and very very lonely. Sometimes I dream of a little normalcy in my life – a 9 to 5 job with a group of friends to grab a beer with on a Friday night….weekends in general… the great outdoors (MOUNTAINS)…. a normal dating life. But then I think about how bored and unsatisfied I’d be with that after a while. Most of the time I have to pinch myself that this adventure is my job.
                It’s crazy how up and down these last 8 months have been. I’ve probably cried more than any other period in my life. But I’ve also experienced the most joy. When things do get stressful, I’ve developed all sorts of mind tricks to get me through it. The most of important of which is probably my routine. I was in a bit of a rut last week, which can be dangerous in the Peace Corps because there’s nobody looking over your shoulder telling you to get off your butt. A few days of laziness can turn into a month. But I forced myself to work out every morning, eat as well as possible (which just means trying to have a few vegetables…) and make a to-do list on my giant blackboard. It’s amazing how much faster I can get out of these “ruts” that way. I also seem to have developed a longer term “routine.” Most volunteers don’t spend much longer than 2 weeks at a time at site. So I kind of map out my two weeks in my mind and look at it as one singular task (rather than just a part of the whole 2 years, which is daunting). I always do laundry and clean my room right before I leave site, so that things are fresh and ready to go when I get back.

                Also recently, when I was stressed, I poured a ton of energy into making my room pretty. The effort was nicely distracting, and now I love the way my room looks. It’s complete with a mini kitchen corner, a “closet” (just string for hanging clothes and buckets,” a coffee table, 2 hanging solar lanterns for nicer lighting, my giant blackboard, and a bunch of pictures and a map on the wall. It also feels like home… now I just have to pull myself away enough to do my job!

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